My love of musicals originated in high school, when a friend of mine looped Les Misérables and Phantom of the Opera for the duration of our 8 hour Spring Break drive from Nashville to Destin. At first I thought it was psychological warfare, but, by the third time “Track Down This Murderer” resurfaced, I was passionately singing, “Jean Valjean is nothing now!”
Loads of interesting musicals are on in London at the moment. With a bit of free time and some cash, what better option could there be than getting the best seats at as many musicals as possible during my time here? Having promised myself to not watch Les Misérables, Wicked or Phantom of the Opera yet once again, there were the only three musicals left I was keen on seeing: Rock of Ages, The Book of Mormon and Mamma Mia!
Although I’ve been visiting London since I was 17, there are still sections of town that I get lost in, no matter how clearly the directions have been laid out. The West End is one of those sections. Of the three musicals I saw, only one was reached without stopping for directions multiple times. Even with the GPS on my iPhone. Oh yes. Thus, I would recommend you reconcile yourself to the fact that you will most likely get lost. Budget an extra 20 minutes. Strangers are helpful. It will be fine.
Rock of Ages | Garrick Theatre, 2 Charing Cross Road, London, WC2H 0HH, England
Monday – Friday: Matinee: 3 pm | Evening 7:45 pm
Closest Tube Station: Leicester Square
I walked into Rock of Ages without having the faintest clue what it was about. Purchased solely because it was the first listing I came across on Ticketmaster UK that I had remembered seeing an advertisement for while on the escalator in the Tube, I saw the Live Nudes neon sign off to the right-hand side of the stage and raised my eyebrows. When the curtain went up, and I saw The Bourbon Room set, I raised my eyebrows even higher. Furiously scanning the rows behind me, I did not breathe easy until I located at least 2 people that were my Dad’s age. If they could handle Rock of Ages, I, in my little white cardigan and ballet flats, probably could as well. It turned out to be my favorite of the 3 musicals I saw.
Rock of Ages. Don’t be scared.
I am going to list the songs in Rock of Ages, rather than write out a detailed review, because The Book of Mormon review I’ve written later in this blog is quite long. I knew nothing about 80’s music before I sat through Rock of Ages, had never heard of Poison, Pat Benatar, Joan Jett, Twisted Sister or Whitesnake. Man, have I been missing out.
Rock of Ages Song List:
1) “Just Like Paradise” – David Lee Roth
2) “Nothing But A Good Time” – Poison
3) “Sister Christian” – Night Rangers
4) “We Built This City” – Jefferson Starship
5) “Too Much Time On My Hands” – Styx
6) “I Wanna Rock” – Twisted Sister
7) “We’re Not Going To Take It” – Twisted Sister
8) “Heaven” – Warrant
9) “More Than Words” – Extreme
10) “To Be With You” – Mr. Big
11) “Waiting For A Girl Like You” – Foreigner
12) “Wanted Dead Or Alive” – Bon Jovi
13) “I Wanna Know What Love Is” – Foreigner
14) “Cum On Feel The Noize” – Quiet Riot
15) “Harden My Heart” – Quarterflash
16) “Shadows Of The Night” – Pat Benatar
17) “Here I Go Again” – Whitesnake
18) “The Final Countdown” – Europe
19) “Any Way You Want It” – Journey
20) “High Enough” – Damn Yankees
21) “I Hate Myself For Loving You” – Joan Jett And The Blackhearts
22) “Heat Of The Moment” – Asia
23) “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” – Pat Benatar
24) “Can’t Fight This Feeling” – REO Speedwagon
25) “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” – Poison
26) “Oh Sherrie” – Steve Perry
27) “The Search Is Over” – Survivor
28) “Don’t Stop Believin'” – Journey
I won’t give away the plot, but, I’ll share who my favorite character is: Stacee Jaxx. Yes, he is the biggest bastard of them all. I have no excuse for preferring him over every other member of the cast, but I do.
Stacee Jaxx
I left Rock of Ages humming along to “Don’t Stop Believin,” covered in gold confetti squares. I want to see it again.
A Stalls, Row C, Seat 11 (three rows from the stage and nearly dead center) ticket is £72.75 (including Ticketmaster’s fee and a Box Office collection fee). Premium Stalls seats go for a cool £95 plus fees, but if you can get a good, nearly center Stalls seat, it isn’t worth paying the extra cash. For those of you that are students, or on a serious budget, other ticket price points are available, all the way down to £25 (available only to be booked in person on the day of the performance).
If you can kick out the cash, get a £65 Stalls seat, as close to dead center as possible. Row C, Seat 11, will do nicely.
The Book of Mormon | Prince of Wales Theatre, Coventry Street, London, W1D 6AS, England
Monday – Saturday: Evening – 7:30 pm | Wednesday and Saturday: Matinee – 2:30 pm.
Closest Tube Station: Leicester Square
The Book of Mormon‘s hype is worldwide and its advertisements on the Tube have taunted me since February. It was a given I would be going to it. I booked it 6 weeks in advance and settled on a Dress Circle ticket at a matinee show. It was one of three seats available for the entire month of April. I usually only book Stalls tickets, but, I was very lucky to get what I did, as The Book of Mormon is currently sold out for the next 3 months straight.
When I was last here, in February, I saw advertisements for The Book of Mormon everywhere. Up the escalator: The Book of Mormon! Down the escalator: The Book of Mormon! At Embankment, Kings Cross, Oxford Circus: The Book of Mormon! I was seduced by the typography and the peppy, happy image of a Mormon missionary jumping jubilantly in the air. Additionally, Mormons have fascinated me since I was 24, when I lived in Southern California and drove past La Jolla’s Star Wars-like Temple on a bi-weekly basis.
La Jolla’s Mormon Temple. Yes, it looks insane.
I’ve read at least a dozen books on the Mormons, including “Mormonism For Dummies.” I’ve learned all about their special undergarments, belief system, unusual wedding ceremonies and the one year supply of food that the wives are supposed to keep stocked in their cupboard at all times. The Mormons baptize the dead, try to never drink caffeine, and believe that each husband will get his own planet when he dies. On that planet, his wife, children and everyone the family has posthumously baptized will serve him. The Mormons are deeply whacked out, but in Disney sort of way, which is why I love them. Long story short, it has always been my destiny to see a musical about Mormons.
The rest of this review contains spoilers, so don’t read it if you are planning on seeing The Book of Mormon and want to be surprised.
The Book of Mormon starts off like a Gap ad, with rows of slickly dressed missionaries ringing invisible doorbells, “Hello, my name is Elder Price and I would like to share with you the most amazing book!” “Hello” is a catchy song. I feel optimistic at this point. After this, we learn that a group of young missionaries are about to receive the locations of their (2 year) missions. Some go to France, others to Norway. But Elder Price, who is one of the main stars of this musical, finds out he is going to Uganda with Elder Cunningham, a freaky little fat ass. They sing “Two By Two” and “You and Me (But Mostly Me)”, two more catchy songs that I will later replay on Spotify. At this point, I’m happy to be at The Book of Mormon, happy that I have a pretty good seat, happy that I am at the Prince of Wales Theatre in London. Then, it happens. “Hasa Diga Eebowai.” The song that translates, as one of the Ugandans cheerfully tells Elder Price as he first arrives in their country, to “F*ck You, God.” I put my hands over my face and sink down low in my seat. Oh no.
Waiting to find out where they are going on their missions.
Ugandans are dragging a dead donkey through the street now. Everyone has AIDS. The town doctor has maggots in his scrotum. Oh no. Elder Price and Elder Cunningham meet the other Mormon missionaries that have already been there for months. The conversion rate stands at nil. It is a bleak moment in the musical.
Luckily, “Turn It Off ” is the next song and it is hilarious. “When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head, don’t feel those feelings! Hold them in instead! Turn it off, like a light switch, just go click!” Catchy, catchy. Unfortunately, something deep within me has been unsettled by “Hasa Diga Eebowai” and, no matter what occurs for the rest of the musical, there will be an internal religious conflict within me that goes something like, “Rebecca, how did you find yourself at a musical where they are singing ‘F*ck you, God,’ while cheerfully raising their middle fingers towards heaven?” and then, “But, overall this musical is quite funny,” and then, “But they sang F*ck you, God, and you listened to it while wearing a cross necklace.”
“I Am Here For You” is the next song, and it is my least favorite of the entire lot. Any song that employs the word “buddy” in it, will be a song that I hate. Personal preference. Moving on. “All American Prophet,” with: “Have you heard of the All-American Prophet? The blonde-haired, blue-eyed voice of God! He didn’t come from the Middle East like those other holy men! No, God’s favorite prophet was…All-American!” made me smile. The next song, “Sal Tlay Ka Siti” is mildly offensive, “Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Salt Lake City, with a strong African accent), the most perfect place on Earth. The flies don’t bite your eyeballs and human life has worth.”
Elder Price watches a warlord named General Butt F*cking Naked shoot a man in the face. He takes it badly and deserts Elder Cunningham, thinking he’ll be transferred to Orlando, where he always dreamt of doing a mission. Then comes “Man Up,” with lyrics like: “What did Jesus do when they put nails in his hands? Did he scream like a girl? Or did he take it like a man? When someone had to die to save us from our sins, Jesus said, ‘I’ll do it ‘, and he took it on the chin! He manned up! He manned up. He took a bullet for me and you. That’s man up. Real man up.” So, this is a pro-Christianity song in the middle of an anti-religion musical. Hmm.
Elder Cunningham begins telling increasingly ridiculous lies to would-be converts, just to entice them to join the church. This leads us to my favorite song of the entire musical, “Making Things Up.” I’ve copied a fair-sized chunk of it, just to give you an idea of how creative it is:
MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, and ARNOLD’S DAD:
You’re making things up again, Arnold.
You’re recklessly warping
The words of Jesus!
HOBBITS:
You can’t just say what you want, Arnold!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
Come, on, Hobbits!
ALL:
You’re digging yourself a deep hole!
ELDER CUNNINGHAM:
I’m making things up again…kind of.
But this time, its helping
A dozen people!
Its nothing so bad, because this time,
I’m not committing a sin,
Just by making things up again, right?!
I’ve caught myself humming this song a few times since I heard it. I like it.
At this point in the play, Elder Price returns to the group of missionaries, but is completely ignored, while Elder Cunningham is praised for getting people interested in becoming Mormons (through wild lies involving Star Trek). Then comes “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream,” which involves Hitler getting a blowjob from a man with a tiny, red-sparkly hat on his head. The lyrics are amusing, so I will share a bit of them with you:
JESUS:
You blamed your brother for eating the donut,
and now you walk out on your mission companion?! You’re a DICK!
ELDER PRICE:
Jesus, I’m sorry!
CHORUS:
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!
SKELETON 1:
You remember Lucifer!
SKELETON 2:
He is even spookier!
The “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream” dance is funny, even if it is disturbing on many, many levels.
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
Moving on. There are only 5 songs left to share, so we’re reaching the end of the musical.
“I Believe” is the another confusingly pro-Christian song, with lyrics like: “I know that I must go and do the things my God commands. I realize now why He sent me here. If You ask the Lord in faith, He will always answer you. Just believe in Him and have no fear!” At this point in the musical, Nabulungi is ready to be the first Mormon convert. Which brings us to “Baptize Me.” I’ll let the lyrics speak for themselves:
ELDER CUNNINGHAM
I’m about to do it for the first time
And I’m gonna do it with a girl
A special girl
Who makes my heart kinda flutter
Makes my eyes kinda blur
I can’t believe I’m about
To baptize her
NABULUNGI
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized
It sounds like it is all about sex, right? Next, we have “I Am Africa,” where the missionaries dance around like Africans, singing, “We are the winds of the Serengeti. We are the sweat of the jungle man. We are the tears of Nelson Mandela. We are the lost boys of the Sudan.” I cover my face with my hands again. Oh no.
At this point in The Book of Mormon, more Ugandans have been converted to Mormonism than anywhere else in Africa, so one of the Mormon bigwigs flies down to congratulate his missionaries. While there, Nabulunghi and the 19 other Ugandans that have been converted, put on a truly obscene play for him, about the prophet Joseph Smith, as they understand him. “Joseph Smith American Moses” involves lyrics such as: “Even though their prophet had died, the Mormons stuck together. And helped each other, And were really nice to everyone they came across. And one day, the Mormons finally found Sal Tlay Ka Siti! (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)! And then, the Mormons danced with Ewoks, And were greeted by Jesus!”
The Mormon director closes down the mission and tells all of the missionaries to go home, because they have completely failed in Uganda. But, they decide to stay. Even though the Mormon church has disowned them, they stay. Moreover, they take the version of Mormonism that Elder Cunningham made up to convert the Ugandans, and create “The Book of Arnold.“
The Book of Arnold
The Book of Mormon ends with “Tomorrow Is A Latter Day,” with lyrics like, “You’ve read the book of Mormon. Did you know there’s more? We swear this is not a scam. Have you heard the story of our prophet Arnold Cunningham? Arnold Cunningham. Arnold Cunningham.”
I left feeling deeply conflicted. Am I glad that I can say I’ve seen The Book of Mormon? Yes. Did I like some of the music in it? Yes. Will I see it again? No.
Having said all of that, if you can get a ticket, go see it. Seat A9, in the row of the Dress Circle area closest to the stage, with an unobstructed view, costs £68.50.
Mamma Mia! | Novello Theatre, Aldwych, London, WC2B 4LD, England
Wednesday and Saturday: Matinee – 3 pm | Monday – Saturday: Evening – 7:45 pm.
Closest Tube Station: Charing Cross
Mamma Mia! was, by far, the tamest of the musicals I saw on this trip. The storyline seems completely implausible, with Sophie, who is about to get married to Sky, inviting 3 men that might be her father to her wedding. What. Ever. But, suspending reality, this is a happy and upbeat musical. Sky, played by Andreas Gyllander, is wildly handsome.
Andreas Gyllander is the only one not dressed in a wetsuit.
Good, clean fun at Mamma Mia!
It wasn’t until I arrived at Mamma Mia! that I realized that it featured only Abba songs. Having previously never heard of Abba before, I can now confidently say that Abba rocks!
Mamma Mia! Song List:
1) “Honey, Honey”
2) “Money, Money, Money”
3) “Mamma Mia”
4) “Dancing Queen”
5) “Our Last Summer”
6) “Lay All Your Love On Me”
7) “Super Trouper”
8) “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!”
9) “The Name Of The Game”
10) “Voulez-Vous”
11) “SOS”
12) “Does Your Mother Know”
13) “Slipping Through My Fingers”
14) “The Winner Takes It All”
15) “When All Is Said And Done”
16) “Take A Chance On Me”
17) “I Have A Dream”
18) “Thank You For The Music”
I do not dance. But, I was dancing at the end of Mamma Mia! That tells you how much I enjoyed the performance.
A Stalls, Row D, Seat 8, ticket costs £73 (with Ticketmaster’s fees and Box Office collection fees). The rows start with C. I was in the second row, a bit on the right. It was a very good seat.
Each time I attend a musical in London, I feel like I am in the middle of something truly magical, that something quite extraordinary is going on all around me. I feel awed and enchanted, happy and hopeful. Even when I am not in love with a performance, I walk away with stars in my eyes, humming a new tune, in a world that is just a tiny bit, to me, anyways, more brilliantly-hued than before.
Gatsby's Green Light 